Death Note Cops
by VorticalFiveStudios
Summary: AU. Mello is an idiotic police officer with a habit of making things explode. Near is his partner, best friend, and the only thing keeping him from getting himself killed by accident. Working for the toughest police chief in history, Ryuzaki, the two must work together to catch dumbest criminals and solve the stupidest mysteries. Based off of Halo 4 cops.
1. Chapter 1

**Death Note Cops Episode 1- Pilot**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing._

"Sir, I'm gonna need you to- OW!" Mello wasn't able to finish his sentence. He was punched in the face by the man he was talking to, knocking him to the ground. Then the man walked over to him and began beating the living crap out of him. "AH, EH, OH, GAH, HONEY BOO BOO!" The man then walked away. "Oh god, what was the point of that!? You had a goddamn tail light out! I wasn't arresting you, I was just letting you know! Oh my god, so many punches at once! Oh, what is that guy, some sort of body builder!? Oh ho, god! I hate my job!"

Mello's partner, Near, walked over to him. "Hey, Mello," the albino boy said.

"Oh, Near." Mello got up. "Did you see that guy? He just straight up kicked my ass."

"Oh yeah. Quite the police officer you are, Mello."

"Oh, shut up, Near. You didn't get your ass kicked by a body builder."

"That guy wasn't a body builder. He was the same size as me. That shouldn't really even matter, since you have a taser."

"What the hell happened to us, Near? Look at us. We're on parking detail and trafficking! We saved the world! And this is all we get!?"

"Well Mello, maybe this is just how it was meant to be. Maybe we aren't cut out for the high, intense life of the actual police officers and detectives."

"Actual police officers? Near, we are BETTER, than actual police officers and detectives. With our combined intelligence we were able to take down a man who could kill, only needing a pen, book, name and face! We should have our own fucking show! I mean yeah, we appear in like, half of the death note series, but we're better than that, man. We should have our own shot at the spotlight and- HEY!" Mello began to yell at someone else. "Do not skate board in that parking lot! I swear to god, I will put my shoe up your fucking ass, you little shit! Oh, oh great, you see that Near? Not even children respect us; he just flipped me off... And pulled down his pants and... Oh god. That's disgusting."

"Did that guy just take a shit in the middle of the parking lot?"

"That was probably the worst fuck you I have ever seen done to a police officer. At the same time I feel kind of proud."

"Well, at least he was creative."

"Alright that is it, I am going to go and talk to the chief, and we are getting our own show damn it... Right after I yell at that old lady for parking in that handicap spot." Mello than began to run to the car."

"Wait, Mello, she's old. Maybe she needs it."

"I don't see a goddamn handicap parking space sign on her car. I'm gonna go give her one for. HEY YOU! OLD BITCH! Don't move! What the hell do you think you're doing, you just parked in a handicap spot! Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to believe that you were about to get your sign out of your glove box? And let me guess, your cane is in the backseat that you were just gonna grab to make it look like you were supposed park here?... Don't back talk me old bitch, I hooked a guy's testicles to my car battery and made him explode! Twice! Don't make me do that to you your old saggy tits! What are you doing? Don't ignore me, I am an officer of the law and... And you're pulling out your cane... From the back of your car. And your showing me your handicap parking space sign that was in your glove box... Near! I think we're gonna have to go to human resources!"

"Oh... Fuck."

_LATER AT THE STATION_

"Can I honestly speak freely and say how absolutely fucking retarded you two are?" asked their boss, Ryuzaki.

"We're sorry sir," Near and Mello said in unison.

"Near, in all honesty I feel sorry for you, being partnered with this fucking lunatic. You seriously went up to an old lady who parked in a handicap spot, told her that you would blow her up, by attaching your car battery, to her old saggy tits, thus, causing her to explode!? Twice!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO!?"

"Well sir," Mello started. "In my defense I-"

"No! Shut your goddamn mouth, I don't wanna hear it! You two are the worst damn officers I have on my force. And somehow, being so, you've caught the attention of VorticalFiveStudios's fanfiction account!"

"We did?" Near and Mello asked in unison.

"Yes. They called me up, and they said they'd like to discuss with me letting you guys off, and giving you your own show."

"No fucking way!" Mello yelled in excitement. "Really!?"

"Chief," said Near. "You're really gonna sign off on this?"

"Well at first I wasn't," Ryuzaki said. "But then I thought about it a little more and realized that if you guys have your own show, everyone will get to see what kind of fuck ups you are and maybe I can get you transferred or fired, and out of my life forever."

"Oh c'mon chief," Mello said. "We're not that bad."

"Not that bad? Whatever. Let me tell you something though. If this deal goes through and you get your own show, my eye is gonna be on you, like a fly on a pile of shit. You aren't gonna be able to do so much as to take a shit, without me knowing about it! Do you understand? This show is gonna be incredible. And I want 110% out of both of you, cause guess what? I'm starring in it too. It's gonna be like cops on television... but better... I think. Ah hell, I don't know. Either way, sit outside. VorticalFive64 is gonna be here in a couple of minutes, and we're gonna discuss everything."

_LATER OUTSIDE_

"Can you believe it Near?" asked Mello. "Our own show."

"Mello," said Near. "I really don't know if this is such a great idea."

"Oh c'mon, Near. Don't get cold feet on me now. This is our chance! A one shot at being at the big time!"

"We're on fanfiction, Mello. Not CBS."

"You're right, Near. We're not on CBS. Because fanfiction's better!"

"Actually, you are kind of right."

"No, I'm not kind of right, I am right. We're gonna do this. We are going to succeed! And it's also gonna be the type of show that people watch on Starz or HBO! Due to all the naughty language and suggestive comments made throughout the entire series. Enjoy everyone!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Death Note Cops Episode 2- Short Stories**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing._

Hey, my dear viewers! Before we move on with the actual story, I thought I should show you all the past missions of Mello and Near so you'll understand not only their personalities in this story, but how a few other characters will act as well. If you are easily offended don't read. Enjoy!

* * *

"Alright Mello," Near whispered. This is a covert operation. We need to stay silent, or the alarms will go off. Do you understand?"

"Yes Near."

"Alright. Lets get to it." The two began quietly walking down an empty hallway. Then a noise was heard that set off the alarms. A fart coming from Mello to be specific. Near slowly turned around...

And kicked Mello where the sun doesn't shine.

* * *

"Near, whatever you do, don't lose focus," Mello said as he and his partner stood back to back with their guns raised. "The murderer could be anywhere at any given time." Suddenly, everything went dark. "Damn it, the power went out. Near do you have a flashlight?"

"Sorry Mello, I don't," Near said. "I left it in the car."

"Goddamn it. Alright, do your best Near. If you find anything, call me." It was hardly even a moment later when Mello saw the silhouette of a figure walking past him. "Near! I found him!" He tackled it to the ground.

"Mell- URK!" the figure tried to speak, but was cut off when Mello started beating the crap out of it.

"Quiet, you useless piece of dog shit! You have the right to remain silent! Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law! And-!" The lights turned back on and Mello saw the person he was punching was Near. "Oh." Mello stood up. "Hello Near."

* * *

"Oh my god, sir, are you ok!?" Near asked a man who was lying motionless on the grass next to a motorcycle.

"Yeah, I think I'm ok. I just... Had a bad accident," the man said.

"Oh, thank god. Sir, we are with the central city police department and we are calling 911 and an ambulance will be here right away."

Mello turned toward him. "An ambulance!? Fuck that, Near, there's no time! We need to strap this guy's testicles to our car battery right away to jump up his heart beat!"

"What!?"

"Sir, this'll only take a second!" Mello told the man who was now on the car.

"No, Mello, don't!"

Mello did what he said he would do, and caused two explosions. The two cops stayed silent. Until Mello turned to Near and said, "I think that went rather well."

* * *

Mello stared at a massive green rock in front of the new Shōnen Jump building. "Did... Did Shōnen Jump really choose to put their newest building right in a valley of Kryptonite?"

A man in a blue and yellow super hero outfit with a mask walked up beside him. "It appears that would be so, good citizen."

"Wait a minute. Aren't you like... Superman? Shouldn't you be affected by this crap?"

"Ha, ha. No, my good citizen, no. I am Superdeeduper man. I am not affected, by this giant green rock, that would be preposterous." Then a short and wet sounding squeak was heard coming from the superhero.

"The hell was that?"

The sound was heard again. "What was what?"

"That! That right there! Did you just rip ass?"

"Nope. Must be your imagination. I have done nothing grotesque of the sort." And again it was heard.

"See, right there! You just did it again! Did kryptonite make you have bad gas or something?"

"I told you already, kryptonite does not affect me!" And again. "Oh god, that was a good one."

"Oh, Jesus Christ! It smells like broccoli, and trash, and burnt cabbage!" And again. "Oh god, what do you eat!?"

"I'll tell you what I eat! I eat a big helping plate of evil while washing it down with a giant glass of justice!" And again. Only this time, it was really long.

"Oh ho god, it smells like baby food! I've gotta call Near!" Then he saw Superdeeduper Man running away. "Hey, where ya going?"

"To the bathroom, my good citizen!" And once again.

"Yeah man. Just keep trying to play it off. Its ok."

* * *

"GET OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME YA LITTLE BASTARDS!" Light Yagami screamed as he shot at the rock Near and Mello were hiding behind with a chain gun.

"Near, I have no idea what his problem is!" Mello said.

"Really!?" Near yelled. "You don't think it's because you deleted all of his porn and replaced it with gay porn!?"

"Hey! Gay porn is better than midget porn! I was gonna do that at first but I decided against it!"

"Why would you even have that!?"

"You know what, it doesn't matter, that's not the point. I'm gonna run out there and I'm gonna stop him! On the count of three! One!" He began running out screaming like a madman, only to return about five seconds later. "Bad idea, BAD IDEA!"

* * *

"BREATHE, DAMN IT, BREATHE!" Mello screamed as he hit someone's unconscious body.

"Mello, stop!" Near screamed. "You're breaking his ribs!"

Mello stopped for a second and looked at Near. "Shut up Near! I am not gonna have this man die on me, today!"

He began beating the body up again, until he heard the man coughing.

"Oh my god, Near, I saved him! I saved this man's life!"

Then the man went "Herrrrk... bleh," indicating that he was now either dead, or unconscious again.

"...DAMN IT!" He began to beat the body once again. "It! Doesn't! Get! Any!-" Suddenly the body just disappeared. "Uh... Where'd he go?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Death Note Cops Episode 3- Tough Beginnings**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own Death Note, Halo 4 Cops, or Batman. _

A man in a police uniform walked down the street. "This town is full of all kinds of criminals. Thieves. Rapists. Psychos. I'm the only thing that stands in their way from completely ruining this city. The other officers at the central city police department don't take their jobs seriously. They say I'm a loose cannon, but sometimes you've got to be a loose cannon to get results. Who am I? My name is officer Jack Soft. And I- UGH!" The man speaking was run over by a car.

"I'm telling you Near," the blonde man in the car said to the albino boy next to him. "I hooked up my car battery to his asshole and his dick exploded and he took off fifty feet in the other direction! It was beautiful."

Near sighed. "Mello, you just tell the grossest stories and I just don't wanna hear them anymore." Near got out of the car and walked into the police station.

Mello got out as well. "But Near, they're not stories! Their facts and-!" Then he noticed the police officer he just hit under one of the wheels of his car. "Oh, goddamn it. I hit another hobo. Uh..." Mello took out his wallet and put twenty dollars on the man's face. "Look, here's twenty bucks. No reason why we need to get the cops involved do we?" There was no response. "Good man! Enjoy your twenty-dollar bottle of... whatever. Near! Wait up!" Mello then ran in as well, quickly finding Near.

The two were greeted by the two biggest assholes they knew. A and BB. "Well, well, well," said A. "If it isn't the cock mouth brothers. How are you two teenage vaginas doing today?"

BB laughed. "Yeah! Did you hit another hobo on the way in, Mello?"

"How the hell did he know that?" Mello asked himself.

Near turned to him with eyes as wide as saucers. "You hit another one!?"

"Um... No."

Near grunted angrily. "MELLO!"

"You sacks of shit are pathetic," said A. "I don't even know why the chief keeps you on the force."

"Yeah!" BB agreed. "You're such a waste of space and tax payers money!"

"Alright, BB," said Mello. "Why the hell do you look exactly like the chief? I mean, did the director just get lazy or was one of you made in a test tube?"

"What!?" A yelled.

"You and mother told me that was a lie!" yelled BB before he ran away crying.

"No! BB! Wait!"

"Wow," said Mello. "I was totally just joking."

"MELLO! NEAR!" the chief's voice came from the speaker. "IN MY OFFICE, NOW!"

"Uh, what the hell!? We just got here, how could we already be in trouble!?"

_LATER AT THE CHIEF'S OFFICE_

Chief Ryuzaki was eating a slice of cake. "So," he said calmly. "Can one of you explain to me why my best officer, Jack Soft, is currently in the hospital after being stuck under your car for the past twenty minutes?"

Mello snickered. "His name sounds like jack off, if you say it really fast. That's amazing."

Near sighed. "You're such an idiot."

"Me!? What the hell did I do!?"

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH BOTH OF YOU!" the chief yelled, suddenly filled with unimaginable rage. "I'm sick of having you two in my office every day for the dumbest shit! You are both an embarrassment to my force. I have half a mind to fire you two, but I need someone to take care of all the bullshit jobs in this town. So guess what? You're on security detail at the Shōnen Jump building three blocks down for the day. That will give me time to decide on what your actual punishment is going to be for crippling one of my officers."

"Shōnen Jump?" asked Mello. "Isn't that the place where Light Yagami works? C-chief, I don't know if that's such a good idea."

"Yeah, sir," Near agreed. "Ever since he became the owner of Shōnen Jump, Mr. Yagami hasn't been exactly, well... Sane. At all. In fact, I don't even know why he's still in business. He kills at least one employee a day just for his amusement."

"...I may actually have you stay there for the week if that's the case," Ryuzaki said. "Maybe you'll catch a bullet in his process."

"Oh, thanks sir," said Mello.

"You're welcome. Now get the hell out of my office."

_LATER AT SHŌNEN JUMP_

"Ugh!" Mello groaned. "This sucks big shinigami balls, Near! All we're doing is standing, doing nothing! So embarrassing."

Near glared at his partner. "Well Mello, maybe now you'll stop telling gross stories every day on the way to work and actually pay attention to the road when you're driving!"

Mello frowned. "Near, for the last time, they're not stories, Damn it! I really-"

"UUUGGGGHHHHHH!" a loud groan came from upstairs.

"What the hell was that!?"

"I don't know but we..." Near noticed Mello was now running upstairs, toward the source of the sound. "Mello!"

"Come on Near! We've finally got some action!"

"Mello, wait!" He began to chase after his friend.

When they got to the top of the stairs, Mello kicked the door to an office down, and the two officer's eyes widened in horror of the scene in front of them. "Oh dear god, he's holding his penis!"

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Light screamed as he turned toward them. "Oh, come on! Can't a man masturbate in peace!? Especially in the comfort of his own private office!?"

"Uh... Light, your office is literally glass walls. Everyone can see you."

Light turned to look at one of the walls, and sure enough, it was made of transparent glass. And outside the wall was Matsuda, who had watched the whole thing. "MY EYES!" Matsuda screamed as he ran around in circles, "MY EYES!"

"What the hell are you guys doing in here anyway!?" Light yelled as he looked back at the officers. "I thought I had a restraining order against-!"

"Sorry Mr. Yagami!" Near apologized. "We heard a scream from the security office and we came to... Wait, you put a restraining order on us!? What the hell for!?"

"Well, this is a prime example, right here! I'm in the middle of spanking a monkey or choking a smurf or whatever the hell you wanna call it, and you two just bust through my door without even so much as a courtesy knock! Fuck, I had a sign on the doorknob that said 'do not disturb'!"

"Oh!" Mello said as he realized it. "So the scream was him popping his top! Heh, heh. Oh man! What a misunderstanding that was!"

"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

"Near, I think we're fired."

_LATER AT THE STATION_

"YOU ARE BOTH FUCKING SUSPENDED AS OF NOW!" Ryuzaki screamed. "Give me your badges and your guns!"

"Really?" Mello asked. "Suspended? That's it? You're not firing us?"

"No... You both have tenure. Now get the fuck out of my office, I've had it with you two!"

_LATER OUTSIDE_

"Near, what are we gonna do?" Mello asked. "I'll go insane without this job." Near didn't respond. "Near?"

"Mello," he finally answered. "Just take me home. I need a break. From office. From you."

"Near, I..." he sighed. "Alright, get in the car."

And so the two got in Mello's car and began to drive away. But they stopped for a couple seconds when Mello ran another person over. "Really, Mello!?"

"Nope, nope! Not a cop! It was another hobo!"

_MEANWHILE_

Light slowly walked up to the building. In all honesty he was nervous. There wasn't a human alive who hadn't heard of this man. He was the most psychotic criminal to ever walk this Earth. Light didn't like working with criminals, but this was the only way to solve his problem. "Hold it!" a guard standing in front of the building said, pointing a gun the new leader of Shōnen Jump. "Whats your business here?"

"Uh... I'm here to see him. I have an appointment. My name is Light-"

"Mr. Yagami!" a voice called out from inside the building. "Please! Do come in! Hee, hee, hee." The guard moved out-of-the-way, watching Light enter through the doorway. Light then found himself face to face with a man wearing a green and purple suit. He had green hair, a bleach white face, black paint surrounding his eyes, and too much red paint on his lips. You can probably guess what villain it is from this description and the disclaimer. "I'm most surprised, Yagami boy. Out of all the people you could've chosen for this trivial task, you chose me."

"I..." Light cleared his throat. "I thought you were the best man for the job. I'm SICK of these two idiotic cops. All they do is ruin everything in my life. No matter what I try to do, they are always there. I need them taken care of. Can you handle that?"

"Handle that? Heh, heh. Oh, I can do much more than that. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE HEE HEH HEH!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Death Note Cops Episode 4- Friendship**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

_Author's Note- I apologize if this is somewhat offensive. It's just that what was said in the series is said here, so please don't be mad at me. If you are easily offended, don't read._

"Welcome to Walmart. Welcome to Walmart. Welcome to Walmart. Welcome to Walmart." Mello sighed. "God, I hate my life."

Just then his boss decided to come over to him. "Mr. Keehl," he asked in a rather gay voice. "How are you enjoying your greeting job today?"

Mello looked at his boss. "Great. I absolutely love it."

"Oh! I am so pleased to hear! Well, keep up the good work, Mihael!" The boss turned around and began to walk away.

"Yup! Will do! Freaking homo."

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Carry on!" He turned around to see another person walking over to him. "Welcome to... Oh shit."

Near laughed as he walked over to his friend. "Mello? You're a greeter at Walmart? What the fuck?"

Mello rolled his eyes. "Yes, ha, ha, lets all laugh at the jobless cop who's working at Walmart. Yeah, thanks Near. Real great emotional support I'm getting from you here."

Near raised an eyebrow. "Mello. We've been suspended for a week. And you're getting paid. Why are you working at Walmart?"

Mello crossed his arms. "Look Near. Being a cop was my life, and I am now suspended from my life. Do you have any idea how that feels? No, you probably don't. Well I do. I'm living it man and it sucks. Sucks real hard."

"Well Mello, its your own damn fault we're in this situation to begin with."

Mello's eyes widened. "What!? How is this my fault!?"

"How is it your fault!? You're the one who causes all the problems to happen to us every time!"

"Oh, that is bullshit!"

"No it's not! Who hooks up somebody's testicles to a car battery and makes them explode!? Twice!?"

"I do, because I'm a badass cop!"

"You're not a badass cop Mello, you are a fucking idiot!"

"Wha... How dare you!?"

"How dare I!? Who does that!? You've run over random people in the street because you don't pay attention to the road when you drive, because you're telling me these ridiculous gross stories, mostly involving a hamster, and a ton of mayonnaise, I don't even know what, I don't even want to put that together, you're reckless, arrogant, self-centered, and you don't give a rat's ass about me or anybody else you work with on the job! You're a safety hazard, Mello! A life risk! That is why you lost your job, and because I'm your partner, I LOST MINE TOO!"

"Yeah!? Well you know what I think!?"

"I don't really give a rat's ass what you think, Mello! The chief made me your partner, because I was supposed to keep an eye on you and maybe bring you around! But I can see that's not gonna fucking happen since we both don't work together any more!"

"Well maybe I like it that way! Did you ever think about that!? Maybe I work better on my own!"

"Fine! I'll get a new partner! I'm sure the chief will be happy to have me back at least!"

"Fine! Get another partner! See if I give a shit!"

"Oh I bet you will! It'll eat away at you until finally you come crawling back with tears in your eyes and shit filled in your pants!"

"What, I... You know what? Fuck you Near! You are no longer my friend! I don't wanna see your face and near me anywhere! You got that!?"

"That didn't make any fucking sense at all!"

"Just get out of here, Near!"

At that moment, Mello's boss decided to walk back over to him. "Mihael, is everything ok?"

"Fuck off, ya fairy! I quit!" After that, Mello stormed off.

"...Goodness. Whats burning his honey buns?"

Near looked at him. "W-what?"

_MEANWHILE_

"Fucking asshole," Mello said as he punched a car. "I'm a great cop! Near doesn't know what the hell he's talking about!" He looked back at the direction he came from. He sighed. "Ah, shit. I'd better go back and apologize." But before he could take one step, he was knocked out.

_LATER_

Mello's eyes slowly opened. He looked at the creepy man standing in front of him. "Oh what the... OW! My jaw hurts... Oh dear god, I didn't get mouth raped, did I?"

"No, I'm afraid that's not how I work. But, soon you'll see exactly what my plans are. HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Death Note Cops Episode 5- Kidnapped**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

"HI. YOU'VE REACHED MIHAEL KEEHL'S CELL PHONE. I CAN'T GET TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW, SO PLEASE LEAVE YOUR MESSAGE AFTER THE... HEY! OLD SLUT! GOD DAMN IT, I HATE THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO KEEP TELLING YOU-!"

Near ended the call and sighed. "Damn it, Mello," he whispered.

"What wrong, Nate?" Near's wife, Linda, asked as she walked over to him.

"Oh. Hi honey. I... I got into a fight with Mello the other day. I said some... Pretty horrible things. Everything I have kept bottled up inside... I finally let it out. And uh... I don't think he took it too well. I haven't heard from him in a few days. Linda, am I a bad person?"

"You? A bad person? How could you even think that? Nate River, you are one of the nicest and kindest men I have ever met."

"After all the things I said to Mello, I don't feel like that kind of person."

"Stop thinking that. You're a good man, Near. That's why I married you."

"And it's because of you I'm like that. I love you honey." Near's phone began to ring. Near immediately picked it up. "Hello?... Chief, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down! Whats the matter?... WHAT!?" He turned back to Linda. "Honey, I gotta go now!" And with those words he ran off.

_LATER AT THE STATION_

"Chief, whats wrong?"

"I've got something I believe you need to see." Chief Ryuzaki walked up to the television on the wall, and turned it on.

Near's eyes grew as wide as saucers when Mello and the Joker appeared on-screen. "So... Do I read it now?" Mello asked his captor.

"Yes! For the love of god, just read it now!"

"Alright, alright! Jesus, you don't need to have such an attitude. To the ociffer..." Mello snickered. "Ociffer? My god, your spelling is horrible. Just look at this thing! Oh my god, its terrible!"

"Just read the card, or you die."

"Well that doesn't make much sense. If I'm dead, your whole reason for doing this makes no sense."

"OH MY GOD, READ IT!"

"Alright, Jeez. To the officer Near. I have your blonde faggot friend... I'm not a faggot."

"Keep reading."

Mello sighed. "I have your blonde faggot friend. If you want to see him alive, please come to 34 Bakers Street... That's where we are? Huh. I was wondering why I was smelling cheesecake."

"Oh my god, I've had enough. Just... Come to the address if you want to see your friend alive, Nate River. Unless of course you do mean all those hurtful things you said to your dear blonde friend, Mihael. 34 Bakers Street. Be there by midnight. Or your friend... Dies. HA HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HA!" Then the video cut to static.

Near turned to Ryuzaki. "C-chief we're gonna do something about this, right?"

"Hell no! I'm not doing anything. You two brought the Joker into my city!"

"This isn't my fault or Mello's!"

"Oh please. You two cause so much trouble you were bound to attract something evil. I only wish you two got yourselves killed sooner so this situation wouldn't have happened."

"Oh, you know what? Fuck you chief!"

"What did you just say to me!?"

"You heard me! Consider this mine and Mello's resignation! You're a fucking asshole! Sure Mello may be reckless, but he's a good cop! And you know what else sir? Mello's my friend. And he may be a fool, but he's my fool! I'm gonna go save him! With or without your help!"

Everything was silent. Until A and B shouted, "Ultra gay!"

"Oh, fuck you!" And with that, Near ran out the door. He looked around. Once he was sure nobody was around, he sighed. "I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this. Oh well."

Suddenly, the ground began to rumble, and an aura formed around Near's body. After a few minutes, he changed. He was no longer wearing the same clothes he had on before. Instead, he had a superhero outfit on. Superdeeduper Man's outfit. Near was Superdeeduper Man. And then, he flew off.

**I think I just reached a new level of randomness. Where's my award?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Death Note Cops Episode 6- Superhero**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing._

"You should know hiding in the shadows doesn't work with me," Near as Superdeeduper Man told the man in front of him as he held an energy ball in his hand, ready to kill him. "What are you doing here, Batman?"

_MEANWHILE_

"I need a drink," Mello told his captor. "Do you think you could get me a water or something? I've been sitting here for hours and I don't recall you ever offering me once a trip to the restroom."

"Shut up!" the Joker said. "For the love of Christ, shut the hell up! Do you have any idea who I am!? I'm Gotham's number one criminal! The freaking Joker! I could kill you at any moment and I won't lose any sleep over it!"

"Then why don't you, you makeup wearing fag!"

"What!?"

"Theres no longer a point for my existence anymore. My family hated me and left me as an orphan, I lost my job, and Near, the one person who I thought cared about me, who I thought gave a damn about what I did, turns out to hate me as well. Just do whatever you want. Near isn't gonna come save me."

The Joker frowned. "If I slightly gave a fuck I'd probably feel sorry for you. However, I don't. So you're just going to stay here like a good little boy."

Mello raised an eyebrow. "I'm not a kid. I'm like 42 years old."

The Joker's eye twitched. "Things were so much easier in Gotham City."

"Yeah, about that, why are you even here? Why are you trying to kill me and Near?"

The joker smirked and laughed. "That's an easy one, my blond friend. I'm here on behalf of a certain someone you might actually know."

"Really? Who the hell would that be? Theres a lot of people I've pissed off in the past."

"Uh... Um... Well I guess it doesn't really matter if you know or not. You're going to die, anyway. I work for L-"

"Logan!? From across the street!? That son of a bitch! I gave him back his hedge-clippers! Theres no reason for him to still be mad at me!"

The Joker sweat dropped. "What? No! I work for Li-"

"Lisa!? My god, I only grabbed her boobs once, or maybe twice... Ok, she has a reason to be mad at me... But why would she want both me and Near killed? I can understand me, but not Near."

"No, you shit head! I'm working for Light Yagami!"

"Oh! Mr. I'm a gay! That actually makes a lot of sense."

"Dear god, how do you function?"

_MEANWHILE_

"I'm only going to ask this one more time," Near told the man in front of him. "Why are you here, Batman?"

"I believe you already know the answer," Bruce Wayne said as he turned around.

Near started to laugh. "Oh wait, please tell me, you're not here to stop me from killing the Joker, cause if you are, that's actually hilarious."

Batman said nothing.

"Oh... That's exactly why you're here."

"The Joker is my responsibility. So I'm taking him back to Gotham."

"He kidnapped my best friend, Batman. I can't let that go unanswered."

"I'm not saying you have to. But the Joker's life cannot end."

"I seem to recall, Batman, that every time you stop the Joker, he escapes from Arkham Asylum, constantly. And yet you just keep putting him back in the same place instead of dealing with him, once and for all. But that's right. You won't end his life because of your code. Am I correct?"

Bruce frowned. "I'm taking the Joker back to Gotham."

"And you're gonna stop me? With what? Your bat boomerang queer fucking things you have on your little golden belt there? I'm taking care of the Joker. And that's final."

"You can't-"

"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"

"And what gives you the right to take a life!? You're a superhero. People look up to you. Do you really want bloodstain on your hands? It doesn't matter who you are. It's what you do that defines you."

"...Cheap shot with the movie quote, man. But, you're right. I'm sorry. Do you have a plan?"

"Yes. But we need to move quickly."

_TO BE CONTINUED..._


	7. Chapter 7

**Death Note Cops Episode 7- Arrival**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing._

"Seriously man," Mello said. "You need to let me use the bathroom. If you don't, you're asking for it."

"I just don't understand," the Joker said. "Why hasn't your friend shown up yet?"

Mello rolled his eyes. "I told you, he's not my friend anymore! He made that perfectly clear before you kidnapped me!"

"Well... He still has a good ten minutes... Perhaps I could send him a little bit of... Initiative."

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know... Maybe a hand. A finger. Maybe a couple teeth. How about your balls?"

"Uh... Well, that did it..."

"What did what?"

"I'm sure you'll figure it out in a couple seconds."

"Did you..." He sniffed the air. "Oh! Oh dear god!" He started to cough. "That stinks! Oh dear god, did you really just shit yourself!?"

"Hey man. I told you I needed to go to the bathroom."

"I thought you were just being a smart-ass! Oh my god, it smells awful!"

"So... Even though the purpose has been defeated, can I go to the bathroom now?"

"Oh, for the love of god, please just go!"

"Alright, thanks." He began to walk towards the bathroom. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a spare pair of underpants, would you? Because these ones are totally destroyed. Yeah, it's actually at a point where it was so hot it melted a hole through my underwear."

"I... Uh... JUST GO TO THE BATHROOM, YOU FOOL!"

"Alright, fine. I'll go commando... Jesus Christ." He walked into the restroom.

"Oh... I never thought I'd actually say this, but... I miss the Batman..."

* * *

Superdeeduper Man and Batman stared at the building in front of them. "Here we are," Batman said. "The Joker's hideout."

"Hmm... I was expecting... I don't know, pizzazz?" Bruce just looked at Near and raised an eyebrow.

* * *

"Finally. Are you all clean?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good. You actually have a pretty decent bathroom. I didn't think that was gonna happen. I thought there was only gonna be a porta potty or a hole in the ground. Or like a sponge with a stick on it."

"Ew. That's gross. Come on, I've got a little bit more standards than that."

"Well, whatever. You know, I'm honestly surprised. I'd figured Superdeeduper Man would be here by now."

"Super who?"

"Superdeeduper Man. You know. The practically invincible superhero we have here in Central City. He normally shows up when you least expect it, but I figured he'd be here by now."

"Wait... Superdeeduper Man... Superman... Seriously?"

"Yeah, everyone says that about his name. But in truth, he's a badass. I piss him off and he just... No fucks given, my friend."

"Does he have a weakness?"

"Nope. The closest thing he has to a weakness is that if he's near kryptonite, he basically does what I just did in my underwear. And I mean hard. You thought I was bad? My god, you should smell this."

"Ew. That's disgusting! Whats wrong with the people of this city?"

* * *

"This building is fortified with three feet of solid steel," Batman explained. "Any ideas on getting in?"

Near laughed. "Just leave that to me! I've got this." Blue energy began to charge up in his hands.

* * *

"So, when he's near kryptonite, he shits himself?"

"Yup! Shits himself hard! Like a two-year-old."

The Joker chuckled. "That's actually kind of hilarious..."

* * *

"Kame..."

* * *

"Do... Do you hear that?"

* * *

"Hame..."

* * *

"I swear to god, it sounds like someone is quoting an anime."

* * *

"HAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

**Yup! Totally a DBZ fan right here!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Death Note Cops Episode 8- Rescue**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing._

The joker coughed as dust filled the room. "What the hell was that!?" he yelled.

"Greetings, Joker!" Near disguised as Superdeeduper Man said as he stood in front of a giant hole in the wall.

"Ha!" Mello said. "See? I told you he would show up!"

"So..." The Joker coughed again. "Superdeeduper Man, I presume?"

"That's right Joker!" Near said. "I'm here to stop you! But, I won't be doing it alone."

"Really? That's sort of odd. You just shot an energy blast through three feet of solid steel. I'm sure you could handle this on your own."

"I'm only here to save Mello. And I'm leaving you in the hands of someone else."

"Wait, wait, wait," Mello said. "Why are you here and not Near?"

"Because Mello, Near asked me to save you knowing the kind of danger you were in, and he didn't want to risk your life by screwing something up."

"R...really?"

"Really really."

"Wait, hold on a second," Gotham's number one criminal said. "You said there was someone else who was going to take care of me. Who is it?"

"Oh. Oh you know him very well."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, no..." He turned around and screamed because he saw... "The Batman! Um... Fancy meeting you here, Batsy Boy."

"You're coming back to Gotham with me Joker," Batman told his enemy.

"Well, you see, I would, but I have a contract to uphold."

"A contract?" Near asked. "With who? Who put you up to this?"

"It was Li-"

"Lisa!? My god, I only didn't save her cat from a fucking tree! The firemen got it, it wasn't my job!"

"No. Freaking. Way... LIGHT YAGAMI! I WORK FOR FUCKING LIGHT YAGAMI! MY GOD!" He looked at Batman. "Batman, I've had enough! Just take me back to fucking Gotham! I don't fucking care anymore!"

"You changed your attitude pretty quickly, Joker."

"These guys are fucking imbeciles, Batman! The blond guy is just straight up, fucking retarded, and the superhero's weakness is kryptonite, and all it does is make him shit his pants!"

"R-really?"

Near sighed. "Yes, it is a sad, sad thing. I go through a lot of underwear. But wait, did you say Light Yagami put you up to this?"

The Joker simply nodded.

"Batman, do you have everything under control?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Give me a minute." Near teleported out of the room

**AT SHŌNEN JUMP**

"Alright," Light said. "Finally, I can enjoy my porn in peace, knowing that the joker killed Near and Mello, and their out of my hair, forever."

Superdeeduper Man teleported into the room.

"What in the name of Kira!? Superdeeduper Man? What the hell are you doing here?"

"You tried to kill two of my best friends, you Japanese asshole!"

"Um... Now wait a second, who exactly are your best friends, because there are a lot of people I've got contracts with to be killed."

Near said nothing as he slowly walked towards Light.

"N-now wait... We can talk this out! We can make a deal! I-I could give your own manga!"

"No!" And Near gave Light the ass kicking of a life time.

_LATER_

"Thank you, Batman," Near said, still disguised as Superdeeduper Man, as he stood beside Mello. "For making me see reason."

"You're welcome," Bruce told him. "I'm gonna take Joker back to Gotham. Where he belongs."

"Very well. Best of luck, Batman."

"To you as well," Batman said as he left with the Joker.

"Alright, Mello," Near said to his friend. "Lets get you out of here."

"Wait..." Mello said.

"Whats the matter?"

"I don't... I don't know if I can go back."

"Why not?"

"Because man, nobody likes me. I'm just a blond guy that makes people explode, runs over homeless people, and just screws everything up left and right and my friends hate me."

"But do you know who doesn't hate you, Mello? Near. And the people reading this fanfic."

"Really?"

"Of course, Mello. Near was just very frustrated. He said a lot of things he didn't mean, and he hopes you can forgive him."

"Yeah. Yeah, I suppose I could. He is my best friend and all. But wait, how do you know what Near is feeling? Did he tell you?"

"...Yes. He told me tell you everything I just said. Word for word. I have a photographic memory, you know."

"Uh... Alright. That's cool, I guess."

"Good. Good, I'm glad you think so. Well, come on. Lets get the hell out of here." Near teleported them to Mello's house.

"Thanks Superdeeduper Man. I wouldn't have lived without you. Actually, you know what, the more I think about it, I had the joker on the verge of suicide, so I probably would've lived eventually. But thank you."

"You're welcome, Mello. Now, I must go. And do you know why, Mello?"

"No, why?"

"Because I have to get home to the love of my life and her name is JUSTICE!" And he teleported away.

"That seriously probably the gayest fucking lines he's ever said. I'm gonna go ahead and try to call Near." He turned around and screamed.

"Hi, Mello," Near said, now back to his normal self.

"What the hell? Near, how'd you find me?"

"Its your house, Mello."

"Oh. Wait, You've been here the whole time?"

"Yes. I've been here waiting for you the whole time."

"Listen Near, I'm sorry for everything I said earlier."

"No, Mello. I'm the one who should apologize. I'm sorry. I said some things that were way out of line."

"Thanks Near."

"Don't go gay on me, Mello."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"So, I don't know when our suspension is gonna be up, but in the meantime, what do you wanna do?"

"I wanna fucking nap. Jesus Christ, you have no idea what it was like to just sit in a cold, dead ass room, that has an extremely nice bathroom on the other side, and just be with a clown for like six hours. It was rough, man. He was such an idiot."

"I'm sure he was, Mello."

"Now come on!" Mello said as he got in his car. "Hop in and we'll go grab a beer!"

"That sounds good, Mello. That sounds good." Near got in the car. The ride was going good, until... "REALLY, MELLO!?"

"Nope, nope! Not a cop! It was another hobo!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	9. Chapter 9

**Death Note Cops Episode 9- Santa Claus Quits**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing._

_Author's Note- I apoligize to anyone I have offended._

"And welcome back to Sakura TV News!" the news reporter on Mello's TV said. "I'm Kiyomi Takada, and tonight's top story is this. News has swept across the globe that Santa Claus has quit for Christmas! That's right folks, Santa will no longer be delivering presents to all the good girls and boys, and giving a swift kick in the ass and a lump of coal to all the naughty ones, putting children suicide rates at an all time high. Live at the scene of this devastation, is Lind L Taylor. Taylor?"

The program cut to Taylor. "Takada, I'm here in Central City, where the news has hit very hard. Mothers crying, children screaming and putting themselves in the middle of the street. It's quite the tragedy. I'm here with F, who is going to tell us what he feels about this whole situation. F, how do you feel on knowing that Santa has given up on all your hopes and dreams?"

Mello flinched when he heard a gunshot.

"Devastating. Absolutely devastating. Takada?"

"Oh," Mello said. "That's too bad. Hopefully my son isn't-"

He was cut off by another gunshot.

"R-really!? Really!? Why has my son killed himself!? Honey! Our son is-!"

He was cut off by yet another gunshot.

"My wife too!? What the fuck, this isn't South Park!" The phone began to ring and Mello answered. "Hello?"

"Mello, its Near. Have you seen whats on the news?"

"Yeah. And so did the whole fucking family. They just killed themselves!"

"Both of them did that because of this!? What the fuck, this isn't South Park!"

"That's exactly what I said! Near, there's only one way we can fix this. We need to go to the North Pole and stop Santa from not doing Christmas!"

"Mello, I don't see how any of this is my problem. I'm Jewish, so we don't celebrate Christmas."

"Goddamn it Near. Wait a second! Something else is on the news! Quickly turn on your TV!"

"Taylor," Takada said. "I'm just receiving reports of Rascal the Jewish Wonder Weasel, who also resides with Santa, a lesser known mythological creature of the Jewish faith has also decided to not do Hanukkah this year! Now Jewish kids are also putting themselves in the middle of the streets, and also killing Christian kids who believe in Christmas, and vice versa. It's really a bloodbath down here, Taylor."

"Ha! Would you look at that Near? We both have a problem!"

"My god, Takada!" Taylor said. "It seems with all the holiday creatures giving up on their respective holidays, do you think Snoop Dog is gonna quit Kwanzaa too?"

"N-no Taylor." Takada said. "That's actually just extremely racist. And so is everything else."

"Oh crap," Near said with a sigh. "Alright. I'll help you. But I'd better not die!"

"I don't know Near. This seems like it's gonna be a pretty intense adventure for a Death Note Cops mini-series. Might even be a three parter."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	10. Chapter 10

**Death Note Cops Episode 10- The North Pole**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing._

As Near worked on filling the car with gas, Mello looked off in some random direction and smirked. "Can you believe it Near?" he asked. "We've only been over the Canadian border for five minutes and I've already spotted a fine piece of Canadian ass. Just sitting over there on that lawn. The things I wouldn't mind doing to her. You know what I mean?"

Near looked where Mello was looking and raised an eyebrow. "Mello, that's a snowman."

"A snowman? Well, I'm not really into men, but you know what they say! What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, am I right!" He laughed.

"Mello, we're in Canada."

"Shut up, Near."

Near rolled his eyes. "Mello, this is no time for dawdling. Christmas is less than a week away! We need to get to the North Pole!"

"You're absolutely right, Near! Thank god I stocked up on 1970's porn magazines! A long ride and all that will keep me warm for days!"

Near sighed. The car was now full of gas. "Just get in the car. We're leaving." They got in the car and drove off.

_LATER_

"Great! This is just great!" Mello said. The two were once again out of the car. "The car has broken down, and who knows how far away we are from the North Pole!"

"Yup," Near said as he examined the engine. "This thing is pretty dead."

"And what makes it worse is... We're all out of food and water!"

"Actually no. We have enough of that to survive."

"Oh."

"C'mon. We're gonna have to go on foot now." They walked off.

_LATER_

"Well, Near, looks like we've finally made it to the North Pole! Wait a second, do you see that Near? Theres someone up there!"

"You sure? I can't see anything. Maybe it's a Canadian."

"Oh! I know! Free health care! Free health care! Maple syrup! Justin Beiber? Nickelback? Ryan Reynolds! Oh god, this one better work. Mike Myers!" The man on the hill gave no response. "Huh. Maybe it isn't a Canadian."

"How is that supposed to prove he's Canadian?"

"Well normally that draws Canadians in for miles."

"You're an asshole!"

"Takes one to know one, Near. Wait a minutes. Do you see? That man's coming over to us! Oh my Christ, it's an aboriginal Canadian!"

"What!?"

"Near, quickly get some shiny beads to trade with him! Maybe he can tell us where Santa is!"

"He's driving a fancy snow mobile. I don't think he's gonna want beads."

"Good point. Then grab me my porn magazines!"

The man pulled up to them. "Beaver said to Bear, 'Bear why has fat man come to our land?' Bear replied 'because fat man seeks fatter man.'"

"I'm not fat," Mello said.

"Mello, I think he wants to know why we're here," Near said.

"Oh. We come seeking Santa Claus! Can you take us to him?"

"Santa... Claus?" the man asked, confused.

"Yeah, you know. Old white guy... Has tons of little elves that make toys for children... Comes down children's chimneys..."

"Michael Jackson?"

"No," Near said. "He's a fat ass white man, but more importantly he has a pet weasel with him!"

"Oh yes! Sphincter Clause! I will take you to him. Hop on my snow mobile."

"Well," Mello said. "At least he knows where Santa Claus is."

"Yeah," Near said. "But why do the natives call him Sphincter Claus?"

"Probably has something to do with that weasel he hangs out with all the time, hey Near? Huh? Huh?"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	11. Chapter 11

**Death Note Cops Episode 11- Saving Christmas**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing._

"Well Mello," Near said as the two of them stood in front of a castle. "It looks like we've finally made it to Santa's castle."

"That's right Near!" Mello said. "Now its up to us to save Christmas for all the good little boys and girls across the world!"

"So... What do we do about the indian?"

Mello looked at the one who brought them there. He just stared at them. "I... I don't know. He's just standing there. Do we pay him or something?"

"J-just don't look at him. We have to go."

The two of them walked through the castle doors and were later confronted by a rather tall and muscular elf in a security guard uniform. "Sir, I'm gonna need you to take a step back. Ok?" he said.

"Uh..." Mello said. "We're here to see Santa Claus."

"Sir, I'm gonna need you to take a step back. Ok?"

"Uh... Ok, but I wasn't-."

"Alright. Nobody gets in until I check your assholes."

"Excuse you?"

"Can't let anybody in until I check your assholes to make sure you don't have anything that can hurt Santa Claus."

"...WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I HAVE SHOVED UP MY ASS!? A GRENADE!?"

"I've seen worse."

"Mello," Near said. "Settle down. He's only trying to do his job."

"No Near!" Mello yelled. "I will not settle down! You people make me sick. Feeling up innocent individuals while taking nude photos with your x-ray scanners!? Disgusting!"

"Well sir, because of your cooperation, we're gonna have to do a deep cavity search, now."

"Ugh, Jesus Christ Mello..."

"No man, that's cool, that's cool. I've been in the frat house for four years! I'm not scared of you! I can take this!"

_TEN MINUTES LATER_

"Near, I... I feel like less of a man now..."

"I know Mello. I know. Those people are the scum of the Earth. Now, come on! We need to save Christmas! That's whats important, right?"

"You're right, Near. You're right. It's just... He just... Put on the x-ray machine and... Made me put my finger in my mouth and make dirty faces!" Mello began to cry.

_LATER_

"Well, it's been a long journey, but we're finally here. One Kindle Lane. The house of Santa Claus," Near said before he rang the doorbell.

They could hear a voice inside. "Oh, now who the fuck could that be? Get out of my way you little shits! Which one of you took my whiskey!? I'll fucking kill whoever did!"

"Jesus Christ. I hope he doesn't treat Rascal like that."

"Who?" Mello asked.

The door opened and on the other side was someone very familiar wearing a Santa outfit. "Who the are you people-! Oh shit..."

"Mr. Kringle, we have had enough with... What the hell?" Near didn't know what to say. The person in front of them was Light Yagami!

"No fucking way. Hold on a second." He pulled out a phone and punched in a few numbers. "Hey. Security elf. Did you check these guys before you let them in? Yeah. Ok. Really thorough? How deep? And the cameras were on? Oh, fucking perfect! Alright. Thanks. Bye." He hung up.

"Aren't you Light Yagami!?"

"I don't really give a fuck who he is! We're here to save Christmas you son of a bitch! Wait, Light Yagami? That totally explains the ass search!"

Light sighed. "Alright boys. I knew this day would eventually come. Come on in." He led them inside.

"Why have you quit Christmas?" Near asked. "Why are you involved in Christmas? And most importantly, why are trying to stop Hanukkah too!?"

"God damn it, Near... But he's right! Why are you Santa Claus!?"

"Mr. Claus?" an elf said as he walked up to him. "Will you be sticking it in my butt today?"

"Oh, not today lad! We have guests!"

"Ok, then!" The elf walked off.

"What the fuck?" Mello asked.

"Anyway, I should probably get started," Light said.

"Did that elf just ask you to stick it in his butt?" Near asked while Mello laughed.

"You see boys, it all started when I was a young boy in Japan. I was all tucked into bed one Christmas Eve, waiting for Santa Clause to come. I heard a noise from downstairs, and I rushed to see what it was. And to my surprise, I saw that fat son of a bitch getting frisky with my mother! At the time, I was only eight. But in Japan you get a Death Note at the age of four! So I grabbed one from my toy box, and wrote his name down! Unfortunately at the time I didn't know whoever kills Santa Claus, automatically becomes Santa Claus for the rest of time."

Mello laughed. "Tim Allen, please don't sue us."

"And from that point on, I spent every Christmas handing out presents to little shits that don't deserve them. On the upside, I have banged everyone's wife. Multiple times."

"That's impossible," Near said. "I'm Jewish. So there's no way you could've-."

"Everyone's wife. Multiple times."

"You son of a bitch!"

"Ok," Mello said. "So why have you decided to quit now?"

"Well, when I first started out, it was so easy. Kids would just ask for a stick or a rock or a wheel, a wagon, wooden horse, you know stuff like that. But now all I hear is 'I want a cell phone!' 'I want a computer!' Do I look like an engineer!? I don't know how to make that shit! That last thing I tried making was a Zune! And I accidentally burned down an entire town! Kids nowadays are all about iPod Touches and iPhones and iPads. I had to hire to hire several Asian factories just to keep up with the goddamn demand. And now, I'm all done with it!"

"I feel like we're gonna get a lot of hate mail for everything he just said."

"But Santa," Near said. "You can't quit! Think of the children!"

"Why do you even care? You're Jewish."

"You have my weasel."

"Out of context that sounds very odd."

"Not as odd as you wanting people to get their assholes checked."

"Well, I don't care what either of you say! Christmas is done! It's over! It's a stupid holiday anyway!"

"Wait! Have you ever heard of... Amazon?"

"Mello, we aren't being paid by Amazon."

"I know, but maybe they'll see it and we will!"

"You're an idiot."

"Whats this Amazon you speak of?"

"Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me."

"Amazon, my friend! You can just go online and shop, get what you need and deliver it to everybody!"

"You know what? Fuck it. I don't know how to end this. Christmas is saved, you happy?"

"Y-yes! Christmas is saved Near!"

"Yeah, happy-do, la dee freaking da, I need a beer."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


End file.
